


You Don't Have To Go Home (But You Can't Stay Here)

by Skeletorific



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clowns, Cult Deprogramming, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, Gen, Implied Past Gamrezi, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Recovery, pale gamkar, post retcon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21537178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skeletorific/pseuds/Skeletorific
Summary: Gamzee Makara needn't have been. Either as he was, or at all. An exploration of a potential recovery arc post-retcon.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you are everybody’s backup buddy.

Let’s be real, you’re not quite sure how that happened. Troll society thrives on emotions like pity, hate, rivalry. Even the more flushed emotions begin (and often end) in a sort of fixation borne from peculiar annoyance. Young trolls spend time finetuning their own noxiousness in hopes to provoke the wrath and subsequent attention of potential suitors. Whether redrom, or blackrom, the hope is to perpetrate something memorable and arresting. Which for trolls, is the gross, the loud, and the forceful.

To all of which you’ve said hellllll naw, and continue to say now emphatically

**hElLlLlLlLl NaWwWwW mOtHeRfUcKeR!!!!1!**

**AT: eRR...**

**TC: yOu KnOw WhAt Im MoThErFuCkInG sAyInG??**

**AT: eR, nOT TO BE A BUZZKILL, gAMZEE**

**AT: bECAUSE i AM PUTTING A CONCENTRATED EFFORT LATELY IN NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE**

**AT: (bUZZKILLING, THAT IS)**

**AT: bUT i FEEL LIKE i AM MAYBE LACKING A LITTLE CONTEXT FOR WHAT YOU ARE “** **AT: iT IS PROBABLY MY FAULT BECAUSE i AM STILL A LITTLE LIGHTHEADED FROM THE BLOOD LOSS**

**AT: uNLESS YOU WERE TRYING TO START UP ANOTHER STRICT FLOW, iN WHICH CASE PROCEED WITH THE LAYING DOWN OF LAW! }:)**

**TC: :o(**

**TC: aW sHiT**

**TC: bRo I dId NoT mEaN tO StRaIn A mOtHeRfUcKiN’ tHiNk PaN**

**TC:mOsT eSpEcIaLlY wItH tHaT wIcKeD mOtHeRfUcKiN’ jUiCe bEiN AlL sPrUnG**

**AT: oH, ITS OK**

**AT: aFTER A FEW HOURS ITS LIKE YOU ONLY FEEL MILD TO HEAVY AMOUNTS OF AGONIZING PAIN**

**AT: wHICH IS AN IMPROVEMENT FROM ALL-CONSUMING FOR SURE!**

**TC: :o)**

**AT: bUT WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO SAY**

**TC: uHhHhHhH....**

**TC: sHiT**

**TC: wElL iT bE lIkE tHiS**

**TC: yOu LoOk aT eVeRy MoThErFuCkEr In ThIs pLaCe, RiGhT iN tHe SiGhT sPeCkS**

**TC: aNd ThErE’s A wIcKeD sEt Of SqUaReS aLl Up In ThErE!**

**TC: aLl ReD aNd BlAcK aNd wHiChEs aNd BiTcHeS aNd BrOs**

**TC: gOt ThIs ViOlEt MoThErFuCkEr FiT tO bE AlL aNd tHrOwIn HaNdS wItH a YeLlOw MoThErFuCkEr CaUsE a FuShChIa MoThErFuCkEr KiCkEd HiM oUtTa AlLlLlL tHe SqUaReS**

**TC: gRoSs ViBeS. rAnCiD**

**AT: oH, fEFERI AND sOLLUX AND eRIDAN**

**AT: tHERE IS A LOT OF FLUCTUATION i GUESS**

**AT: i THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A HIGHBLOOD THING?**

**TC:dOn’T kNoW iF i’D bE kNoWiNg If It WaS**

**TC:hOnK**

**TC:aLl tHaT hEmO sTuFf wOuLd Be KnOwN uNkNoWn By ThIs bAdTiTs MoThErFuCkEr**

**AT: i THINK i’M PRETTY BAD AT IT TOO, i USUALLY AM }:(**

**AT: bUT THAT STUFF SEEMS TO MATTER LESS AT THIS END, ER, AT LEAST IT DID TO ARADIA AND SOLLUX AND,,,,i GUESS KARKAT? i GUESS i AM JUST ASSUMING HE’S LOWBLOOD**

**TC: aW hElL yEaH. KaRkAlI-**

Damn, who the hell even knows how to spell that? Not you it seems. Not motherfuckin you.You backspace.

**TC: aW hElL yEaH. KaRkBrO :o)**

**TC: gOt AlL tHe LoVe HaViN oN tHaT dUsTy TeXt**

**TC: ThE dAmN mYsTeRy**

**TC: tHaT sHiT bE mOtHeRfuCkIn**

**AT: mIRACULOUS?**

**TC::oO!!!!!!!!**

**AT:};o)**

**TC:hOnK!!**

**TC:sHiT yEaH!!!**

**TC: hElL dUdE**

**TC: hElL fUcKiNg DuDe**

**TC: wAlK tHeM bOtTy BoDy OvEr On ThIs AwAy AnD gUlP SoMe FuCkIn fAyGo WiTh Me**

**AT:eR, THAT’S OK, YOU SEEM PRETTY LOW ANYWAYS**

**AT: hOW HAS IT LASTED YOU THIS LONG?**

**TC:mOtHa**

**TC: fUcKiN**

**TC: mIrAcLeS :o)**

**AT: wHERE DID YOU EVEN KEEP THEM WHEN WE CAME IN?**

**AT:,,,,,**

**AT:,,,,,?**

**AT:gAMZEE?**

**TC: HoNk**

**AT:nEVER MIND,**

**AT:hAVE YOU TRIED TO TALK TO THE HUMANS?**

**TC: oH hElL yEs**

**TC: lAiD dOwN sOmE iLl MoThErFuCkIn JaMs WiTh ShAdEs**

**AT:iVE TRIED TALKING WITH THE GREEN ONE A BIT BUT,,,**

**AT: wAIT, WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE SAYING EARLIER ABOUT SQUARES,**

**TC: aW pIsS**

**TC: wElL i GuEsS iTs LiKe WhO gIvEs A sHiT**

**TC: iF yOu GoT mOtHeRfUcKeRs AlL uP iN tHe WhOle MoThErFuCkIn DeCk**

**TC: bUcKeTs Be A lOnGwAyS oFf hOnK**

**TC: sO wHy WrInG oUt AlL tHeM sAlTy DrOpS fRoM yOuR sPeCkS aNd SkIn AbOuT iT**

**TC: jUsT cHiLl tHe WaY oUt AbOuT iT bRo**

**AT: yOU’RE A WISE MAN MY FRIEND**

**AT: wISH i COULD BE LIKE THAT,,,**

**TC::oO Aw BrOtHeR**

**TC: wHy CaN’t YoU bE?**

**AT: i DUNNO,,,**

**AT: wHENEVER i TALK TO SOMEONE**

**AT: vRISKA**

**AT:,,,,**

**AT: aS A NON-SPECIFIC EXAMPLE**

**AT: i JUST REALLY WANT THEM TO LIKE ME**

**AT: sO i SPEND A LOT OF TIME AROUND THEM AND DO WHATEVER THEY SAY UNTIL THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME**

**AT: bUT APPARENTLY THIS DOESN’T WORK, iT MAY IN FACT BE DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WORKING, aPPARENTLY i NEED TO REVISE MY STRATEGY**

**AT: aLSO i THINK SHE MIGHT BE A BAD PERSON AND SOMEONE SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE GOES CRAZY AND DOOMS ALL OF US**

**AT: wHAT DO YOU THINK**

**AT:,,,,?**

**AT: gAM-**

Before he can finish typing that thought he finds the long tangle of your limbs draped across his keyboard. He splutters, but who has time for personal space when it comes to the endeavours that are as these. A smile that shows a few too many teeth spreads across your face.

Gamzee: lIsTeN bRoThEr

**Gamzee: tHe WaY i Am SeEiNg It, If YoU’rE sEeInG sOmE sHiT aS nEeDs DoInG...**

**Gamzee:....**

**Gamzee: dAmN**

**Gamzee: Do YoU eVeR jUsT lIkE, lIsTeN tO tHe FaNs In ThIs ThInG-**

**Tavros: wAIT WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT DOING SHIT,**

**Tavros:,,,gAM** **Z** **E** **E?**

**Tavros?: GAMZEE!**

**Karkat: COME ON, ARE YOU BREATHING IN THERE OR WHAT? LISTEN TO ME!**

Your eyes snap open.

Shit. Shit. Where the  _ fuck _ are you. You are tangled in limbs not your own and there’s cold metal on your arms and its dark and you’re alone and you  _ can’t. Breathe- _

Tap Tap Tap.

hOnK

The sound slips past your lips unconsciously as you struggle to process. You feel  _ dry _ , too dry, like a fish gasping for air, and your head is-..

.....

Its....

**??????: Remind me again why we’re w8sting our time with this?**

**Karkat:WOW, SERKET, I DIDN’T REALIZE MY SIMPLE REQUEST OF “PLEASE DON’T SPEAK UNTIL I GET A HANDLE ON THIS SITUATION” WAS SUCH A TALL ORDER. I MEAN I KNOW ITS DEMEANING FOR A LEADER OF YOUR FUCKING STATURE TO HAVE TO SCRAPE TO THE REQUESTS OF A MERE WORMY UNDERLING BUT**

**????: hey not to stick an alien noses up in business where it doesn’t belong**

**????: i mean i know, i know, we just got here and we’re already doing a xenophobia**

**????: but uh spider girl might have a point**

**????: in regards to letting the crazy murderclown out of the box where he’s very safely chained. like its uncomfortable i guess to be an accessory to this but also like maybe we should turn him just loose and shit unless we have a plan**

You aren’t....angry.

....ok maybe a little. Maybe a lot even. Your teeth are set on edge as you start to squirm against the chains binding you, kicking at the uncomfortably soft matter tangled in you. 

But for once the voices have dulled.  _ He’ _ s not looming, pressing like dark weight in your head until no thought can slip free. 

For once there’s nothing in your rusted out excuse of a thinkpan but yourself.

**Karkat: IN CASE I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERS, WE’VE GOT THREE YEARS ON THIS ROCK. IS OUR PLAN REALLY TO LEAVE HIM IN THE FRIDGE THAT ENTIRE TIME**

**Vriska: W-**

**Karkat: THAT’S NOT OUR PLAN**

**Vriska: >;;;;(**

**Karkat: JUST....SHUT UP, FOR A SECOND.**

There’s another long silence, and a gentle tapping on the fridge door above you. You strain to press your hands onto it, trying desperately to push it open.

**Karkat: HEY, GAMZEE....**

**Karkat: LOOK, LET’S JUST....KEEP IT SIMPLE. TAP TWICE IF YOU’RE OK TO COME OUT, AND, UH...**

**????: Perhaps some manner of slobbering growls or muttered dark portents if you are not. A simple hex on our well-being would certainly suffice.**

**Karkat: JEGUS I CANNOT HANDLE HOW FUCKING HELPFUL YOU ALL ARE BEING RIGHT NOW.**

....You hesitate.

In here....but out there who’s to say 

Unless

No, it won’t last. It never does. You can feel the fog climbing up the sides of your mind already, echoes of commands you could barely grasp. An itch to move without direction, an ache to sink your teeth deep in to something and pull out it’s lying motherfucking insides till it’s honest.

_ Olive blood on your hands and a stupid blue face on the ground. Dripping purple tastes holy on your tongue. Why did they matter. They didn’t. You don’t either. It’ll all be black soon, because the only color allowed is a candy coated hate- _

Your head jerks forward, tapping your horns twice on the roof of your box.

The only thing worse than the fog is being alone in it.

A deafening sound of metal scraping on metal. The top swings open and even the dim light is disorienting to you.

_ Be Karkat ==> _

  
  
  
  


Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you’re struggling to swallow back the morning grubmeat rising in your throat.

No use sugarcoating it, the inside of that fridge  _ reeks _ . In addition to the....matter, that your friends left behind, Gamzee himself looked like he’d been dragged face down through a couple of miles of Alternian bogland. Sweaty and grody, eyes wild and curls hanging limp. His shirt was stained with dried blood that only added to the menagerie of scents. Terezi, who was being uncharacteristically quiet, staggered back a few paces as you pulled him to his feet, covering her nose and gagging violently.

**Dave: damn, that is some ripe clown**

You ignore the human, a skillset you’re hoping to further develop in the future. They’ve only been here a week and they’ve proven themselves every bit as insufferable in person as they were online. Perhaps even more so in the case of Dave.

But its less important right now that your moirail, blinking hard and trembling. From cold, maybe, or from fear. His eyes are wide as he looks around, apparently trying to process what he’s seeing. The bewildered look is an almost hysterically familiar one on him.

But your follicles are on end. If those goes bad....

You still kept thinking about how it felt, running down those corridors and hearing those fucking HONKS echoing off the walls, convinced you were going to die. If Terezi hadn’t found him first, well-

_ No, stop it, he needs you. You’re being a bad moirail. _

**Karkat: HEY. GAMZEE.**

Awkwardly reaching out, you patted his arm. He didn’t audibly react, but his gaze did follow down to your hand. Just....staring.

Well, all the confirmation you needed! (Or at least, all you were likely to get before you’d have to...ugh...admit Vriska might have been right)

Your light pat turns to a tight clasp on his shoulders, turning him and yourself to face the skeptical masses

**Karkat: SEE, EVERYONE, HE’S** **_FINE_ ** **. NOTHING MORE THAN A MINOR ABERRATION, AND REALLY, WHO AMONG US HASN’T SNAPPED AND KILLED A FEW OF OUR FRIENDS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.**

**Vriska: For the last time, I said I was sorry a8out that**

**Karkat: NONE OF US, THAT’S WHO. SO NO NEED TO LINGER ON THE PAST!**

Globes, you sound pathetic. You sound like  _ Egbert _ . And what’s worse is nobody’s buying it. At best Rose looks mildly curious. Dave looked suspicious, or maybe just bored. It was hard to tell with those infernal rayshields. Kanaya and Vriska looked downright hostile. In desperation you look to Terezi, the only one who hasn’t voiced any complaints about this plan.

She still isn’t saying anything. She’s standing just a little in front of Vriska. Hands tight on her cane, gaze unbroken with Gamzee....Does she look  _ nervous _ ? Somehow that makes you feel worse. 

Before you can think of any more inspiring thoughts Vriska sighs. She strides forward, taking a half second to squeeze Terezi’s hand as she walks past. Crossing her arms, she frowns as she examines you and Gamzee.

**Vriska: Alr8, Vantas. I’ve held up my end of the 8argain 8ut we still need to take s8fety precautions**

**Vriska: I’m not having any8ody else murdered 8efore we find Noir.**

She digs around in her jacket until she produces a small flask, filled to the brim with a bright green, viscous fluid.

**Dave: so let me get this straight**

**Dave: this is the juice shit that you all sleep in**

**Dave: the stuff this guy’s been sucking down for as long as any of you have known him**

**Dave: and the stuff that, might i add, sent him into such a fuckin spasm of withdrawal symptoms that he felt wholly justified in murdering a couple kids**

**Dave:and you’re just gonna fork more over huh**

**Vriska: Oh, pipe down, Strider.**

**Vriska: Whether or not the stuff was good for him in the first place, the fact rem8ns that taking him off it is what got us in this...mess.**

**Vriska: If it’ll keep him mellow then he’s gonna t8ke it.**

She held out the bottle to you.

_ But...===> _

What she’s saying makes sense, and you know it. You can’t be on 24/7 shoosh-pap duty. In addition to the logistic impossibilities of it there was no guarantee it would continue to work, not if he was really hellbent and determined to hurt someone.

_ But....==> _

You glance at Terezi. At her hands shifting their grip incessantly on her cane as she chews her lips. 

_ But...=> _

....You know what, no, there is no but.

Not anymore

You uncap the bottle and face Gamzee, holding it near his mouth. His eyes zero in on the glowing sludge, and you think you see the irises flicker briefly to orange, which is doing nothing for your nerves. Still, you struggle to keep your tone as even as its capable of being.

**Karkat: HOW ABOUT IT.**

**Karkat: CAN YOU TAKE THIS? FOR ME.**

His lips press together and his breathing hitches a little bit. Short, tight gasps, in and out through his snout. Out of the corner of your eye you watch the others stiffen. Vriska instinctively moves in front of Terezi. Kanaya’s hand plunges into the pocket of her skirt. Even the humans move oddly, hands reaching for weapons unseen.

Gamzee closes his eyes tight and nods.

Before either of you can think better of it, you put a hand gently on the back of his head and press the flask tight to his lips, tipping him back in some sort of weird baptism. You make sure every drop finds its way into his mouth, and watch him swallow before letting him go.

Old habits die hard. The sopor barely seems to register for a second. But a moment later his shoulders slump down and his eyes open blearily. All around you, silent tells of relief from your friends. You give him a searching look, and his catches the gaze. Cautiously, the corners of his mouth quirk upwards.

**Gamzee: man...that shit needs some pie crust or somethin**


	2. Months in the Past, but not many

GC: H3Y

GC: M4K4R4

GC: TC

GC: H3Y!!!

GC: 1 KNOW YOU C4N S33 TH3S3 M3SS4G3S CLOWN

GC: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR GRUBBY L1TTL3 TOUCH2STUMPS LOV1NGLY STROK1NG TH3 K3YS >:)

TC:hAhA

TC: dAmN

TC: yOu ArE aLl KiNdSa ScArY

GC: TH4NK YOU >:)

GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG

GC: T1M3 1S BOONDOLL4RS 4ND MY H1V3 1SNT GONN4 BU1LD 1TS3LF UP TO TH3 N3XT G4T3

GC: 4LTHOUGH 1 SUPPOS3 G1V3N TH4T 1TS 4 TR33 1T M1GHT 4CTU4LLY DO TH4T

GC: BUT WH4T 4R3 YOU 3V3N DO1NG R1GHT NOW

GC: 1 M3SS4G3D 4T TO S33 1F YOU’D M3RCIFULLY SHUFFL3D OFF TO TH3 B1G HONK 1N TH3 SKY OR WH4T3V3R CLOWN TH1NG YOU B3L13V3 1N

GC: 4ND H3 S41D YOU W3R3 JUST LY1NG ON TH3 GROUND

TC: iT bE aLl ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN wIcKeD cOlOrS sIsTeR

TC: tHiS pLaCe LiKe SoMeThIn OuTtA tHe MuMmEr’S hYmNs HoNk

TC: aLl MoTheRfUcKiN bEaUtIfUl AnD sHiT :’o)

GC: UGH

GC: WH4T DO3S IT 24Y 4BOUT M3 TH4T 1’V3 ST4RT3D TO F1ND YOUR UNS3TTL1NG 3V4NG3L1ST1C T4NG3NTS TH3 SL1GHT32T B1T 3ND34R1NG

GC: 1N 4 TR4G1C4LLY P4TH3T1C K1ND OF W4Y

TC: hOnK :o)

GC: D1D YOU 4T L34ST G3T THROUGH TH3 SP33CH W1TH YOUR SPR1T3

GC: 1 H4V3 TO S4Y, 4S N1C3 4S 1T IS F1N4LLY T4LK1NG W1TH MY LUSUS F4C3 TO F4C3, 1 W4S SORT OF HOP1NG OUR F1RST CONV3RS4T1ON WOULD B3 L3SS...

GC: 3XPOS1T1ONY >:P

TC: nAh

TC: He KiNdA aLl AnD tOoK oFf OnCe EvErYtHiNg SiMmErEd DoWn

TC: ThInK hEs SlAmMiNg SoMe CoLd SiPs WiTh ThEsE lItTlE nIgHt BuG dUdEs

GC: UM

GC: WOW

GC: TH4T 1S 1NCR3DIBLY UPS3TT1NG 1 TH1NK

GC: 1N 4 W4Y 1M NOT SUR3 1 C4N JOK3 4BOUT

GC: WH1CH 1S K1LL1NG MY SW33T FLOW OF S1CK BURNS

TC: aW mAn SiS

TC: bE pRoCeEdIn WiTh ThE bUrNs If YoU’d LiKe, I dOn’T mInD :o)

GC: TH4T’S P4RT OF YOUR PROBL3M M4K4R4. YOU N3V3R M1ND.

GC: T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF TH1S


End file.
